i am here now ~ part three

november 4, 2018

from the book of awakening, ‘the discomfort of newness’

“anxiety is the dizziness of freedom” - kierkegaard

Perhaps the first time we experience such a disorientation is when we learn how to walk, when we move away from the wall or chair, away from the guiding arms of mommy or daddy. Certainly, the ability to walk is worth that discomfort in transition.

It happens again when we first fall in love, when we first move our care beyond the walls we are so accustomed to. Likewise, the ability to love beyond our walls is well worth the dizziness of taking new steps.

The truth is that every fresh experience has this dizziness of freedom that we must move through. Everytime we reach beyond what is familiar, there is this necessary acclimation to what is new. It is the doorway to all learning. We needn’t be afraid of it or give it too much power. We simply have to keep leaning into what we are learning.

When you can, watch small birds fly. Note how sudden winds cause them to dip and swerve and how they adjust to keep flying.

Breathe deeply and know that your heart is such a bird, and that its dips and swerves create a discomfort of newness that you have no choice but to experience, if you are to keep flying.

~

lean in.

it’s been my mantra for months now.

lean into the whispers of consciousness the world offers,

lean into the exhilaration of experience,

lean into the deep inner knowings.

lean into my fears,

for there is deep, ancient wisdom

beyond my confining walls of perception.

leaning into the moments

which fill my stomach with a billion monarchs

has expanded me in ways

i never could have consciously asked for.

leaning into that very first kiss with a new partner…

i didn’t know until that moment;

it was the one that was foretold by several mouths.

the first time

i felt the familiar feeling of ecstatic love,

i leaned in

and it began chipping away at the walls

that had been constructed around my heart

the materials made

of abandonment,

betrayal,

and shame.

the words ‘i love you’ slipped from my mouth

“i think i love you…”

i spoke with trepidation.

lean in.

“actually, i know i love you”

and i smiled,

taking my power back,

and leaned in

for a brand new kiss,

one that didn’t have secrets hiding behind my lips anymore.

lean in.

the time,

the day,

the moment india called to me,

i leaned in.

the more i leaned in,

the stronger her magnet became,

the clearer her manifestation became,

the more mesmerized by her allure i became.

now,

i am here,

leaning into every experience

and finding absolute bliss

Samadhi.

Ananda.

my joyful nature exudes from my pores,

my smile more pure than its been in ages

outside of the times i gaze at my beloved.

my vibration has regained its elevation

and there is finally a sense of peace

that it’s all gonna be

just fine.

lean into that.

i am able,

i have permission,

to lean into my optimism and hope once more.

to allow my heart to continue its expansion

as it mirrors the expansion of the galaxies themselves.

to lean into the turns

as i race towards ecstacy and nirvana,

but to also lean into the rhythm of rest

when it beckons me.

i sat on the bank of the holy ganges

and leaned into the mantras

that have floated through the air

every night

for ages.

in that leaning in

i found such transcendental healing

through community,

joy,

hope,

acceptance,

and love.

the qualities that bring the ordinary

into expansion and spirituality.

for all these reasons and more,

i am so grateful

to be leaning in

and receiving so much more

than i could’ve ever dreamed up.

i am here, now. leaning in.

jaelyn kohl