i am here now

november 2, 2018

it’s day 3

and i can’t help but continue to wonder

how these eagles,

with the ability to fly and travel anywhere,

choose to remain in delhi.

the skies are perpetually a brown-gray haze,

the rivers run polluted with trash,

oil,

and other unspeakables.

and yet

nature still finds her way

to prevail over humanity’s atrocities

and disrespect.

flowers grow in the cracks of abandoned buildings;

never yielding,

perpetually blooming.

stray dogs in rough shape

still wag their tails in salutation.

namaskar.

the leaves on the trees and bushes remain ever-green

although both the air and the water seem

to have little nutrients to offer.

sacred cows

graze amongst the ground

that is littered in human waste.

the people have so little

just each other and their faith.

and still,

as i pass by,

their faces soften and eyes light up…

only some stay hardened.

it’s the most difficult way of life i’ve seen with my own eyes.

beggars roam with a distant gaze,

their thoughts far away from this place.

stomachs hungry,

backs breaking,

weathered skin,

muscles tight to the bone in malnutrition.

their children tug on my shirt gently

and gesture to their mouth,

then pat their bellies

knowing that i have enough to share.

they live in shantytowns of tarps and blankets

on the side of the train tracks,

up to their ankles in trash.

still,

prayer flags wave in the warm light breeze.

children chase each other through potholed streets,

laughter carried on the air

and bouncing off walls

of dilapidated structures.

and i whizz by,

comfortable in this leather seat,

sweet hot tea filling and warming my insides,

music ringing in my ears

and light-mattered chatter fills the space of this train car.

i get fleeting peeks inside more-than modest dwellings

and many dark brown eyes gaze back at me,

certainly wondering what kind of karma i have to put me here,

and them,

there.

i have to bit my lip to try to attempt my eyes from overflowing

and cascading down my face.

maybe i should engage in the cheery chatter,

but i feel it would be a dishonor to these people

to look away in ignorance.

this is hard for me.

yet the reason i am here.

to connect

with the light in the darkness,

the beauty in the hard-to-look-at,

the wonder in the difficult to comprehend,

the gratitude in the face of immense challenges.

to remind myself of my humanness

and my privilege.

to fuel something inside

that will spark a fire

that i will one day use to light up the world,

not get drowned out in the darkness.

“without both angels and demons,

there would be no balance on earth.”

jogi, our guide, said yesterday,

detailing the necessity of all parts

to create the whole of experience.

duality is something we,

as people on a spiritual path,

take so much energy to attempt to transcend,

but i’m learning

it is something we must honor

and be willing to take a deeper look at both sides.

we have the ability

to engage in experience

and simplify it into a universal quality.

my suffering

is not less or more than others’;

it is just suffering.

however,

it is still a choice.

just as Happiness,

Gratitude,

and Abundance are choices.

the people of india,

in westerner’s eyes such as myself,

seem to have immense suffering,

but their smiles are just as genuine as mine.

we speak the same language.

just as the earth finds a way

to root and rise

through her own suffering,

so too can i.

this,

is india.

And i am here now.

jaelyn kohl